In Pursuit of Adequate Hydration

Despite their somewhat hipster fears of becoming cliche and predictable, the lads turned to their old weather-hardened friend the SAS survival guide, which had helped them in many tough scrapes before. Chiefly in a house party in Doncaster that got out of hand. And in North Korea.


One of the fundamentals of survival in a strange environment like Brunswick, or the mean streets of Fitzroy, is to ensure adequate hydration at all times... by either collecting water from a tarpaulin draped over a ditch, sucking moisture from the roots of mangroves, harvesting the water glands of certain pythons, or going to coffee shops. We opted for the latter, due to time restraints.

The Python: Time consuming

Disappointing, we understand, however, we're all about making the best of a bad situation, and we write the blog.

Once we'd donned our respective camouflages...

And mastered the art of invisibility...

We were off! To Mont Albert! Er....


Coffee Quests


We began our quest by nervously approaching the counter armed with shrapnel from North Korea. We were quickly informed that this was the wrong sort of shrapnel, and hastily rifled (not from North Korea) for silver coins instead. Having done this we were introduced to two strange foreign words "cappuccino", and "latte", allegedly the preferred means of Hipster hydration.


Would we be prepared for the consequences? Categorically, no. However, the instinct to survive was strong, and we preceded through these strange, somewhat burnt tasting drinks, which everyone around us seemed to be enjoying.

We hope the ensuing mix of fear, entrancement and bittersweet victory can be seen in this photo. Either that or it just confirms that Chris needs a haircut, Greta is a mistress of disguise and that Jacob took the photo. Either way, this photo has since been afforded critical acclaim similar to that of Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings and Tolstoy's War and Peace.


Wonderful.


We then moved on to what we rightly identified as the most pretentious coffee shop within our native surrounds. It has a unicorn on the roof, yet refers to a pony in it's title... if that isn't indie, we don't know what is!

Undoubtedly a better attempt at hiding than our friend Greta, that's for sure. Points for the ukulele Eddie.

Jacob onto his 3rd coffee within and hour, and fast discovering the negative side effects of Hipster hydration. The SAS guide never mentioned this.


This place was almost entirely made of oak. Like Treebeard. And yellow aluminium, casually formed into some sort of hideous approximation of a stool. What kind of place would put up with such an abomination of a colour? Surely we had much yet to learn of the mind of the Hipster...


Not satiated by their desire for commercial coffee, the lads headed to the considerably more urban-indie streets of Abbottsford... a place better known as the set used by George Lucas for the  outskirts of Mos Eisley in Star Wars episode one... needless to say, we identified it as a Hipster congregation point by it's yellow stools... Who produces these things??? 


Photo montage... (provide your own music, maybe something by Sigur Ros,. or a Japanese wood cymbal orchestra?)

Yellow stools strike again, this time in Mos Eisley

Issues adjusting to our camouflage... apparently phones and wallets are too big to fit in skinny jeans whilst seated. 

The 5th coffee. Explanation unnecessary.

A fixie. Possibly more indie than the KIA Carnival. Anything this impractical must be indie.

Our Epiphany


Soon, though, after paying for many coffees, we realised the flaw in our plan. How could we possibly fund this lifestyle? If we were to be true indies, to work one day a week at a second hand bookstore and live in a terraced house in Carlton, where would we find the cash?


Surely true Hipsters would never actually pay for a coffee?? And the places that they frequent would certainly not be frequented by anyone else... it would probably be some sort of doctor's waiting room, the lower deck of a fishing ship, or a bird watching cabin.

The Pursuit of Free Coffee

We decided upon acquiring the most obscure coffees we possibly could. Armed with 2 litres of milk and a newly developed indie craving for roasted-bean-drink, we had two destinations in mind.... the humble abode of an obscure yet brilliant artist, Sally Darlison (sallydarlison.blogspot.com), and the reclusive hideout of a Christian schools ministry team...


There, and only there, would we find truly Hipster coffees. 

Our mistrustful, yet wonderful barista.

Contrary to popular belief, Christians make good coffee! (Does the Pope make good coffee?)

On a scale of one to stool....

Exuberant Melbourne artist and barista Sally Darlison (no relation).

And here's a long-necked turtle... and our fact of the day! Did you know, humans can impersonate animals! (Geez, with all these animals it's like reading the Herald Sun)

Well that was strange... and without further ado...

To the Scores!

Living off coffee for a day: 800

Drinking approximately 1 litre of coffee each: 97

Impersonating members of the animal kingdom: 58 

Not being able to fit useful everyday items in our pockets: 670

Mentioning an obscure yet brilliant Melbourne artist: 333

Not paying for coffee: 99

Inventing 2 coffee locations: 270

Training 4 times on a dedicated indie day (good work Jacob):  -793

Going to soccer and talking about the Premier League transfer season:     -630

Apathy in Action

Hanging out with Phoebe Darlison: 109
Chris getting a conventional haircut (symmetrical): -750

Total:                        1617 Indie Points

Level:                       Acquired Jeans that double as compression tights.

A good day for the lads, fueled by copious amounts of coffee and a new found appreciation for the Long-necked Turtle, they seem to be well on their way to reaching their ultimate goal.
We hope your thirst for adventure has been sufficiently quenched with this installment, but never fear for there will surely be another close by, riding towards you on a noble steed, through the milky haze of a latte gone wrong. 

Much Love,

The Lads

Camouflage

According to the 1996 edition of the SAS Survival Guide, step number 14 on the road to successful...     success....      is to perfect camouflage. And clean all weapons thoroughly with oil and boot polish most mornings. But we considered the latter part less relevant.

Surely, in order to achieve the title of Grand Hipster we needed to master the art of camouflage. And fast, if we were to avoid being consumed by ravenous, pop-culture starved maniacs wearing large rimmed glasses, who had exposed us as Rhianna fans (she is good, isn't she!) and consumers of mass-produced... products. 

That was a lesson we learnt in 'Nam, and we never forgot it.

Here's us with a young Steven Segal (centre) in 1965 on a morale boosting visit.

So off we went, with haste in our step, jumping into the Kia Carnival with glee and driving off into the dusky Melbourne wilderness... to Camberwell. 

"Camberwell?" we hear you say. "Didn't that score really low on your comprehensive poll of all places considered independent and hipster?"

Well yes, but we were listening to Belle and Sebastian at the time, and we arrived late for the Camberwell market, an act of such independent thought and apathy that it surely justifies our decision. That and the fact that the obscure obscure Korean car we were driving had no petrol.

The Acquisition begins...

 Unfortunately for us, arriving late for a market is not economically beneficial to anyone, and we could neither browse, nor acquire anything apart from photos and memories... and we got distracted by a bookstore and a very bulbous mushroom.

Mushroom

Bookshop

So we did what all self-respecting indies would do in that situation, and found a sweet retro clothes store nearby. Here it is. Look! An indie bike! On a ceiling... good.

http://www.facebook.com/againrecycle

 After much perusing, and fraternising with the friendly staff (who we would have asked out, but James Dean got there first), we compiled our uniforms. 

On our journey of clothing discovery we encountered the "baja", a strange amalgamation of Clint Eastwood's poncho, and a hoodie on acid, and generally expanded our repertoire of looks... other than blue steel, that is...

The helpful woman who James Dean stole.

Wasn't your grandma knitting you one of these?

A very postmodern conversation...

The lads sporting a Baja and sweater respectively

Well, we certainly learnt a vast amount... For example: we didn't know Cape Cod existed outside of preppie, pseudo-afrobeat pop music from the Eastern seaboard. And that sweet and sour sauce doesn't go well with chicken and chips. And that Jacob Darlison does't like the Libertines. But those are stories for another time.

And now, faithful audience, here are the scores you've been waiting for... not just waiting, but we know you've been depriving yourselves of sleep, food and the odd shower in anticipation of this moment, so it wouldn't do to keep you on tenterhooks for any longer. 

 

However, here's a fun fact... did you know Sea Cows are literally underwater cows?

To the Scores!

Taking photos of mushrooms and shopkeepers after the market has finished: 430

Fighting in Vietnam: -75

Meeting Steven Segal in Vietnam: 600

Thinking we could beat James Dean to the girl: -350

Putting the link of a retro store on our blog (www.againrecycle.com.au) :432

Discovering 'the Baja': 89

Wearing a Baja: 12

Not actually buying anything because of apathy and lack of funds:  35

Not actually buying anything: -70

Eating chicken and chips with sweet and sour sauce: -39

Total:                        324 Indie Points

Level:                        I just ordered a weak low fat skinny soy latte.


Out of 100, 000 required indie points, the lads have not only summarily failed to be significantly independent, but have also fuelled talk that they might appear in an edition of "Skins US". Oh dear. 

Tune in next time to see if the lads can roll into the thousands... on their quest to become.... 

Grand Master Hipsters!

A new dawn

All great journeys begin with one thing... thorough research.

The project had been committed to, and there was no turning back. Once the world of facebook had been informed of their adventure, the lads realised the serious implications of just what they had got themselves into. On a scale of one to having serious consequences... it was up there with invading Poland, and the invention of nuclear fission. 

Fear had set in, and doing what all self respecting uni students do when they panic, we began our last-minute research:

 

 

We began by speed reading the works of Chekhov, and 90% of the Penguin classics range, excluding those written after the Cold War, in particular "The Surgeon of Crowthorne" by Simon Winchester, which possesses minimal evidence of any level of independent thinking within it's insubstantial confines.

Winchester with some similarly unimpressed seals in 1991

We undertook our research with the utmost seriousness.

However, surely no research is complete without... a field trip? Where could we find indies? Hipsters? Where can we observe them in their natural habitat?

We conducted a poll to decide where to go adventuring... here were the results:

A Zoo: 78%

Belgrave: 3%

Macedonia: 12%

Camberwell: 0%

Brunswick: 30%

New York: 99.99% 

Considering our lack of funding, inability to conduct zoological surveys; and general incompetence at percentage calculation, Brunswick emerged as the forerunner... so off we went!

The Brunswick Safari in pictures...

Blending in with the native hipster populace. Unfortunately it impairs sight.

Needless to say, trams were ridden, old men conversed with, sunglasses worn indoors, independent beers consumed, and deep theological discussions undertaken, because there was a Bible on the shelf behind us. A shelf? In a pub? Incredible... 


And on that bombshell...


The Scores so far...
 June 8th-June 9th 2011

  
Starting a Blog:  300
Starting it on Blogger.com: -300
Wearing sunglasses at night: 10
Conducting a survey: -600
Visiting Brunswick: 500
Consuming independent beers: 250 
Going to soccer/triathlon training during the week, thereby increasing the size of our calves: -1000
Not Reading Simon Winchester's abomination of a literary work: 400
Reading a Bible in a pub: -300 (a book read by billions... probably too mainstream) 



Total:                     -740 points. 
Level:                   Semi-bogan. 


An unfortunate start for the lads... but tune in next time as they hit back at what has been a disappointing couple of days...

The Beginnings of a Dream

It was a Thursday. Two ordinary Melburnian lads were planning to adventure to Hamilton St, Mont Albert, for a coffee. Having used the app "beanhunter" to find the coffee, and passing a manly window cleaner on their way, the lads soon realised that they were dangerously close to being swept from the brink of indieness into the pit of hipster....dom. 

On other days they would have been found working out, drinking beer or wrestling crocodiles like ordinary Australian men, but today was different. 

Today, so pleased with the vaguely intrigued looks of the women in the cafe, they decided to embark on a quest.... the quest to become....

A fully trained hipster. The pursuit of a lifestyle so obscure and non-mainstream that it's like the popularity of the honey badger within the snake community...

 (On a scale of one to popular... not that popular)

Op-shops would become their home... borrowed knitted sweaters would become their garments, and North-East-Melbourne suburbs their stomping ground.

We welcome YOU to follow their adventure... in their noble pursuit of the 100, 000 indie points required to move them up to the ultimate title. "Grand Hipster", as endorsed by Truman Capote and Franz Kafka.... in fact, most of the Penguin Classics authors. 

Regards, 

The Boys.

PS. Follow the journey of the lads here.