Friday, 24 June 2011

In Pursuit of Adequate Hydration

Despite their somewhat hipster fears of becoming cliche and predictable, the lads turned to their old weather-hardened friend the SAS survival guide, which had helped them in many tough scrapes before. Chiefly in a house party in Doncaster that got out of hand. And in North Korea.

One of the fundamentals of survival in a strange environment like Brunswick, or the mean streets of Fitzroy, is to ensure adequate hydration at all times... by either collecting water from a tarpaulin draped over a ditch, sucking moisture from the roots of mangroves, harvesting the water glands of certain pythons, or going to coffee shops. We opted for the latter, due to time restraints.

The Python: Time consuming

Disappointing, we understand, however, we're all about making the best of a bad situation, and we write the blog.

Once we'd donned our respective camouflages...

And mastered the art of invisibility...

We were off! To Mont Albert! Er....

Coffee Quests

We began our quest by nervously approaching the counter armed with shrapnel from North Korea. We were quickly informed that this was the wrong sort of shrapnel, and hastily rifled (not from North Korea) for silver coins instead. Having done this we were introduced to two strange foreign words "cappuccino", and "latte", allegedly the preferred means of Hipster hydration.

Would we be prepared for the consequences? Categorically, no. However, the instinct to survive was strong, and we preceded through these strange, somewhat burnt tasting drinks, which everyone around us seemed to be enjoying.

We hope the ensuing mix of fear, entrancement and bittersweet victory can be seen in this photo. Either that or it just confirms that Chris needs a haircut, Greta is a mistress of disguise and that Jacob took the photo. Either way, this photo has since been afforded critical acclaim similar to that of Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings and Tolstoy's War and Peace.


We then moved on to what we rightly identified as the most pretentious coffee shop within our native surrounds. It has a unicorn on the roof, yet refers to a pony in it's title... if that isn't indie, we don't know what is!

Undoubtedly a better attempt at hiding than our friend Greta, that's for sure. Points for the ukulele Eddie.

Jacob onto his 3rd coffee within and hour, and fast discovering the negative side effects of Hipster hydration. The SAS guide never mentioned this.

This place was almost entirely made of oak. Like Treebeard. And yellow aluminium, casually formed into some sort of hideous approximation of a stool. What kind of place would put up with such an abomination of a colour? Surely we had much yet to learn of the mind of the Hipster...

Not satiated by their desire for commercial coffee, the lads headed to the considerably more urban-indie streets of Abbottsford... a place better known as the set used by George Lucas for the  outskirts of Mos Eisley in Star Wars episode one... needless to say, we identified it as a Hipster congregation point by it's yellow stools... Who produces these things??? 

Photo montage... (provide your own music, maybe something by Sigur Ros,. or a Japanese wood cymbal orchestra?)

Yellow stools strike again, this time in Mos Eisley

Issues adjusting to our camouflage... apparently phones and wallets are too big to fit in skinny jeans whilst seated. 

The 5th coffee. Explanation unnecessary.

A fixie. Possibly more indie than the KIA Carnival. Anything this impractical must be indie.

Our Epiphany

Soon, though, after paying for many coffees, we realised the flaw in our plan. How could we possibly fund this lifestyle? If we were to be true indies, to work one day a week at a second hand bookstore and live in a terraced house in Carlton, where would we find the cash?

Surely true Hipsters would never actually pay for a coffee?? And the places that they frequent would certainly not be frequented by anyone else... it would probably be some sort of doctor's waiting room, the lower deck of a fishing ship, or a bird watching cabin.

The Pursuit of Free Coffee

We decided upon acquiring the most obscure coffees we possibly could. Armed with 2 litres of milk and a newly developed indie craving for roasted-bean-drink, we had two destinations in mind.... the humble abode of an obscure yet brilliant artist, Sally Darlison (, and the reclusive hideout of a Christian schools ministry team...

There, and only there, would we find truly Hipster coffees. 

Our mistrustful, yet wonderful barista.

Contrary to popular belief, Christians make good coffee! (Does the Pope make good coffee?)

On a scale of one to stool....

Exuberant Melbourne artist and barista Sally Darlison (no relation).

And here's a long-necked turtle... and our fact of the day! Did you know, humans can impersonate animals! (Geez, with all these animals it's like reading the Herald Sun)

Well that was strange... and without further ado...

To the Scores!

Living off coffee for a day: 800
Drinking approximately 1 litre of coffee each: 97
Impersonating members of the animal kingdom: 58 
Not being able to fit useful everyday items in our pockets: 670
Mentioning an obscure yet brilliant Melbourne artist: 333
Not paying for coffee: 99
Inventing 2 coffee locations: 270
Training 4 times on a dedicated indie day (good work Jacob):  -793
Going to soccer and talking about the Premier League transfer season:     -630
Apathy in Action
Hanging out with Phoebe Darlison: 109
Chris getting a conventional haircut (symmetrical): -750

Total:                        1617 Indie Points
Level:                       Acquired Jeans that double as compression tights.

A good day for the lads, fueled by copious amounts of coffee and a new found appreciation for the Long-necked Turtle, they seem to be well on their way to reaching their ultimate goal.

We hope your thirst for adventure has been sufficiently quenched with this installment, but never fear for there will surely be another close by, riding towards you on a noble steed, through the milky haze of a latte gone wrong. 

Much Love,

The Lads

1 comment:

  1. thank you... you have drunk enough coffee to keep me fuelled for and while and kept me amused again...struggle on boys, struggle on through your journey...meg