Monday, 11 July 2011

What's in a Gene?

We understand that many of you are wondering why the last post we wrote was on the 24th of June... 

Is it apathy? You ask... General tardiness? Laziness? Lack of  strong coffee? Funds? Are we bored of writing a blog? Well possibly. But the main reason is...


While some spend long winter days sunbathing in glorious Melburnian sunshine, or catching wild honey-eaters for obscure zoological experiments, we have been exploring the recesses of popular science.

Here's a picture of our favourite scientist.

N.B. Token animal picture

Oh dear. It really is like the Herald Sun isn't it....

The Quest
Over the past week and a half the lads have been hard at work...

You see, there is one mystical part of Hipsterdom that we had not yet covered at all, one area which we have so far failed to understand or interpret...  

We were now adequately hydrated, camouflaged and generally well equipped to become grand-master hipsters - in fact, Chris even has a poncho and has been brewing his own beer in a laundry.... (Jacob on the other hand has been working out yet again... idiot) - but they have not yet cracked the formula of the Human Jeanome...

To the Laboratory!

A laboratory? Like the one on Rochester Road?

Well.... no.

This one was built, designed and flown in from Austria with the specific aim of identifying the precise make up of the different categories of Hipster jeans. 

In particular the...

"I don't think I can fit any functional items in these pockets now"
"I could sing for a primary school boys choir" 
and the "Skinny" jean.  

Our research was wide spread and conclusive...

Not jeans at all.

Checking the PH.

Dynamic experimental jean therapy.

Our Hypothesis...

Having experimented for days, sacrificing sleep, food and the occasional animal, the lads had come up with a formula for the perfect indie pair of jeans.

And here it is...

P= the Perfect jean
C= Circumference of one's leg

C - exercise + 10% elastane = P

Putting it into practice...
Armed with the results of their extensive and dangerous testing (Jacob sprained an ankle at one point)... the lads proceeded to apply their new knowledge in the most practical way possible. By wearing jeans. Profound.

A cheeky side profile

Look! This photo's slightly different to the other one!

Amazing. In fact, to achieve this effect, some would say Chris had bought a pair of jeans, then got them tailored so as to fit the formula more accurately. What commitment!

Chris excitedly holding his docket

His eccentric tailor.

Let's be honest, we really just wanted to put that silly picture of the dog in there. He's probably not a tailor. Though he does have a tail... or. 

HOWEVER. Once the lads had written their formula, and put it into practice, nothing much had changed... they still looked out of place in Church St. vintage stores, and couldn't  get into Arcade Fire gigs... surely their calculations weren't wrong??

Chris and Jacob checked their sums again, and happened upon a small anomaly... the 3 that they had previously incorporated into their formula, was in fact 3 trillion, a slight miscalculation.

Of course! The numbers were wrong, and so were the jeans...

The lads revised their work, began stitching, sewing and inventing... and eventually, at around 3:00AM discovered the perfect pair of jeans.

Here they are, the perfect skinny jeans. Stunning. Why is one pair hairier though? 

And so, having found these jeans, we put them on...
"But they have nothing on at all!" said a little child.... named Hans Christian Anderson.

And without further ado... (it's funny because normally we do have further ado)

To the Scores!

Getting tailored jeans: 765
Referencing Hans Christian Anderson for no apparent reason: 58
Employing a dog as a tailor: 358 
Starting the day, again, with a coffee: 670
Vainly thinking that wearing track pants might be indie: -54
Jacob denying the chance to get an asymmetrical haircut, and a potential 20, 000 hipster points: -230
Becoming scientists: 128
Not getting caught by the police for opening a laboratory in Mont Albert (it seems everyone's doing it these days): 340
Going to triathlon training and a soccer match in Blackburn (they just don't learn do they): -245
Inventing jeans so thin they cannot be observed by human eyes: 1009
Actually just appearing half naked on a blog: -200
Thinking that you can check the PH of denim: -37

Total:                        4519 Indie Points
Level:                       Bob Brown.

The lads have certainly increased their independent capital this week. In fact, they now loosely resemble the private life of the head of the Greens party.

They now drink like indies, walk down the street half-naked and "fart in the general direction" of pop culture... but they still, surely, have much to learn...

Tune in next time for more tales of hilarity. 

Much Love,

The Lads

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